Puppet Head

The global economic crisis is even affecting Staten Island Zoo. The price of admission will be raised to $100.00 for adults (15 and over), $250.00 for Seniors (60 and over), $500.00 for Seniors from Iowa, $75.00 for children (3-14) and free for all children who join the Obama Youth Brigade. Politicians and Muslims also get in for free. An additional $50.00 tax will be charged for all Republicans. In addition, all Staten Island Zoo employees will be required to work overtime for no extra pay.

Since funding has been cut for the Zoo, some of the Zoo animals will be fired from the Zoo. The first to go will be the smaller insects which inhabit the zoo, including all moths, ants, beetles and butterflies. Next in line to be fired will be the rodents, such as rats and mice. After that, amphibians, and then animals such as deer, possums, racoons, porcupines and skunks. The larger animals, such as the elephants, tigers and lions, will be kept busy with maintenance tasks such as switching all the light bulbs to CFLs. They will also have to endure a 60% cut in their diet, which will mean skinnier elephants and other animals. The chimpanzees and the rooster will stay at the zoo. The giraffes have already picketed, and have begun to apply for positions at nearby Toys R Us stores. Many of the birds and pigs will be moved to zoos in Mexico, Africa, and Asia.

The President is scheduled to fly his jet to the Staten Island Zoo to give a motivational talk to the animals. The teleprompters he will be using will supposedly include translations into all the various animal languages. Though the President does not put the full blame on the animals for the necessary budget cuts, he is expected to reprimand them for not doing their job in the past. The President will be collecting donations,  which will, of course, go to the Trilateral Commission.