Puppet Head

A total of 91 persons in wheelchairs were arrested in front of the White House. It was later determined that they were war veterans. Apparently, the President had them arrested as part of the effort to disarm America. In the President’s own words, “War veterans are a threat to this country. They are often the ones who own guns, and none of them are young enough to join my Youth Brigade.” Meanwhile, a supersonic fighter jet buzzed Ground Zero while the President watched via private satellite TV. The President, jumping up and down with glee, noted that he was simply reliving old memories. The fighter jet circled the Statue of Liberty for a half hour, trying to shoot the torch from Liberty’s hand. Unfortunately, the pilot, a native Afghan whom the President had brought over from Afghanistan just for this event, was not used to flying American jets. He was noted as having suggested to the President that there are others from his homeland who are very familiar with all manner of American aircraft, though he declined to say exactly who. The President later used Air Force One to scare those working near the World Trade Center site by flying very close to buildings. When questioned about it, the President became furious, stating that this was only a “trial run,” though he declined to disclose further details.

The global economic crisis is even affecting Staten Island Zoo. The price of admission will be raised to $100.00 for adults (15 and over), $250.00 for Seniors (60 and over), $500.00 for Seniors from Iowa, $75.00 for children (3-14) and free for all children who join the Obama Youth Brigade. Politicians and Muslims also get in for free. An additional $50.00 tax will be charged for all Republicans. In addition, all Staten Island Zoo employees will be required to work overtime for no extra pay.

Since funding has been cut for the Zoo, some of the Zoo animals will be fired from the Zoo. The first to go will be the smaller insects which inhabit the zoo, including all moths, ants, beetles and butterflies. Next in line to be fired will be the rodents, such as rats and mice. After that, amphibians, and then animals such as deer, possums, racoons, porcupines and skunks. The larger animals, such as the elephants, tigers and lions, will be kept busy with maintenance tasks such as switching all the light bulbs to CFLs. They will also have to endure a 60% cut in their diet, which will mean skinnier elephants and other animals. The chimpanzees and the rooster will stay at the zoo. The giraffes have already picketed, and have begun to apply for positions at nearby Toys R Us stores. Many of the birds and pigs will be moved to zoos in Mexico, Africa, and Asia.

The President is scheduled to fly his jet to the Staten Island Zoo to give a motivational talk to the animals. The teleprompters he will be using will supposedly include translations into all the various animal languages. Though the President does not put the full blame on the animals for the necessary budget cuts, he is expected to reprimand them for not doing their job in the past. The President will be collecting donations,  which will, of course, go to the Trilateral Commission.