Puppet Head

When I bought my first house 8 months ago, I had no idea that it was an official gathering place for hundreds of different species of spiders. You’re not going to believe this, but I found out later that my house has actually been designated the official spider headquarters for the entire Southeastern United States. I would have thought that my Realtor would have informed me of this fact, but she did not.

[OK, I admit it---I’m making that up. My Realtor really DID inform me of it…just kidding. But seriously, what I meant was, that I’m making up the whole thing about my house being “the official spider headquarters for the entire Southeastern United States.” Well, duh! Of course you knew that already. How did you know? Because you’re incredibly smart, and you immediately pick up on things like that, that’s how! Well, actually, you knew because my claim was incredibly ridiculous. But I’m only admitting this because I want you, as the reader, to know from the outset that this blog is not to be taken seriously. So don’t be calling me a liar or anything like that, because I’m only kidding The stuff I write on here, although it may be based on fact (for example, I actually do have a spider infestation problem in my house, and I have found and killed a bunch of different types of spiders, including Black Widows, and many of those spiders have been pretty large), it is at best exaggerated, and at worst, a bunch of made up nonsense. Why am I writing stuff that is made up nonsense? Because I’m attempting to write something that is hopefully funny, and that you, the reader, will hopefully find fun and interesting to read. Also, because I’m trying to be a little like Dave Barry, though I know I’m light years away from even hoping to be a tiny bit as funny as he is. But, if it turns out that no one even finds my blog remotely funny or even interesting, I will probably just go back to killing spiders, and forget about writing crazy stuff on this blog. But since this is my first attempt, I thought I would give it a shot. I don’t know yet if anyone will find this blog funny or not, so, for the moment, or at least until I find out, I’ll keep writing. OK, so now that we have established that, let me get on with my story. And please don’t interrupt me anymore!]

I suppose I should be proud that I live in such a famous house. On the other hand, it is annoying to have to share my house with 58 different species of spiders…um, I meant hundreds of different species of spiders…all of which have had hundreds of thousands of babies in the past several years (which, I am told, are officially referred to as ’spiderettes.’) As a result, every night I find myself killing at least 3 of the largest, ugliest, meanest suckers you have ever seen in your life. I find them either in the bathroom (usually sitting on the toilet), climbing up the wall (usually chasing the roaches that also inhabit my house), or walking across the carpet (and tracking dirt with their little spider feet, often after I’ve already spent an hour vacuuming the carpet!). When I used to live in the big, bad city, we had very few spiders, and the ones we had were no bigger than a nostril hair. But the ones I constantly find in my house are so big that you can actually see their nostril hairs!

A few years ago, I heard this guy on a radio talk show who called in to tell about his spider experience. He said that he found a huge spider in his garage one day and, weighing in at a hefty 285 lbs. (the guy, not the spider! Pay attention!), he did the only thing a manly man could do at that point: he ran and got a shovel! Well, that full-grown, 6’4” tall, 285 lb. man who was an ex-football player (actually, I don’t know if he was an ex-football player or not; it just makes it funnier when you add that in) lifted up that big shovel over his head, with those big, muscular arms of his, to kill that spider. At that point, the guy said, and I quote: “That giant spider—and he must have been at least a foot wide, I’m not kidding! He was huge, man! I mean, gigantic! I think he was one of those wolf spiders, man!—That spider, he lifted up those big, hairy front legs of his, and it looked like he was gonna attack me! He looked mad! So I dropped that shovel and ran! As fast as I could! I got my big bumble butt out of there! But then, I thought to myself, ‘Why am I running from a spider? I’m 6’4” and 285 lbs., and that spider weighs less than a pound. I’m hundreds of times larger than he is!’ So I got up my courage again, and I strutted like a man into the den and I got my shotgun. Well, I’ll have you know, when I got through with that spider, there was nothin’ left of him! After I had blasted that spider to smithereens, I thought to myself, ‘That’ll teach you to mess with me, Mr. Spider!’”